Sometimes it takes me a
while to find the right head to deal with you. Today it took most of
the day. It is like having a mental gearbox which won't quite go into
gear. And suddenly something clicks.
When I say 'deal with you', I guess that implies you are a problem. In some ways you are a problem to me, when I feel you are trying to abuse me, to slyly argue me round to some destructive end, some checkmate, some submission hold. But more properly, the problems have you. It is my job to free you. It doesn't always work. Today was one of those days.
*
Beautiful sunny morning. Music playing, I was dancing in my room. Skype call.
We were talking. I don't remember really, because I was happy.
It all started today with the comments about Anne. You were jealous that I'd posted a thank you image on facebook. And I'd shared a Nietzsche quote which was appropriate. I'd also shared it with you once. You were sorry for being jealous and unreasonable. I said of course it didn't matter to me, and you smiled. I love your smile. I smiled back. You knew it was a silly thing, you said.
So I laughed. And the laughing wasn't acceptable.
I was dead in the water.
Suddenly the mood changed and it was like I had a knife against my throat. Or in my throat. I couldn't tell.
I keep smiling. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong.
Was it fair to laugh at you and your problems like that. To make you feel so terrible. You already felt terrible, you informed me. I knew this. You already have so much bad things going on, and I knew that. Why couldn't I have been sensitive, like you had been, when I was weak and needed your help. Remember that? See how unfair that makes this, now? Why should you have to do that, when you are the one with the problems? Isn't that selfish of me? But of course it's OK. It's always - OK.
The knife named guilt slid into me. Yes, I know. Just like your family likes it. A long blade, polished with care. Years of slow caresses. Razor sharp, so you don't even feel your skin break.
The best thing to do, I told myself, is not to react. Don't get angry. That's just what she wants. It's the only reaction that's rational, and she knows it. She's not her any more. She's her father. Her rapist. Her abusers. The real girl doesn't even know she has a knife.
I don't want this. My self pleaded with me. I was about to go running, in the sun, by the river. I was going to read my book, enjoy my day off, continue building and making my place comfortable. Tie up loose ends. I was happy.
No. That's not going to happen now. Cue clouds.
She can sense my discomfort. She feeds from it. I turn my sunny music off on her request. Now it will begin.
'I've annoyed you, haven't I.'
She has me. I feel like I've done something wrong. The submission choke presses. She knows that if I say yes, then I am the one to abuse her. I confirm all her fears and self-hate. I confirm her worst suspicions that it's all her fault. It isn't, of course. But I can't put up a reasonable defence. I can't pretend 'no'. The attack was too sudden, too unexpected. I didn't want to be doing this. I feign nonchalance. I distract myself.
It's later.
I turned off Skype and sat in my room with my own thoughts. I need to go running. That was my get out clause. I stare at the floor. I don't go running.
The conversation has poisoned me in some inexplicable way. Just as some days she can fill me with love, energy and power, today I feel drained.
I waste some time on facebook but there's a cloud over me. I care about her, and she feels bad. I can't stop it. I don't feel strong enough. I failed.
I wander aimlessly in the flat. What are the implications of this long term.
No, don't think about it. You know this happens regularly. Maybe it gets easier.
You know it doesn't though. It gets worse. She gets to know you more, and know your weaknesses. She gets in your head and hurts you worse.
No fuck this.
I look in the mirror. I get angry. Why have I given away so much of myself.
She doesn't even care about my hair. It's another aspect of control. What she likes. A public display of her humiliation of me.
I get angry and want to punch something. What happened to anger management. What happened to being a better person. What happened to radiating calmness and being in touch with the universe, gratitude, kindness. The voice speaking these words becomes tinny and trails off.
Reality turns black and dives.
I'll tell you what happens to anger management. You allow people in, and they pull your hair. They knife your throat.
The knife in my throat has become a physical pain.
I began to walk round the flat like a caged animal. My head is a mess. Everything's a mess. At times like this I really need...
She's not available.
*
I turn off my brain and spend some time up and down the stairs. Cleaning, moving boxes out, carrying boxes in. I empty my van of tools. Just for something to do really.
It keeps the darkness at bay.
Now all of my tools are in my room. I can't think of a next step. They will go back down tomorrow.
*
I go to the tip, to the cats. I even clean the house there a bit. Anything to avoid being home and having to deal with her.
She messages me. She is under attack from her family. Her sister called her greedy, or something. This is added to the mess. I can't stop it.
I go home and message her. I'll be home soon. Online she isn't there. Something else is sitting in her place. It unnerves me. I haven't eaten all day, I realise. I can't deal with this.
She waits in silence. This isn't good. If I don't say the right thing I'll be accused of being annoyed at her. Over the Anne thing. But we both know that's just today's tool. It was hours ago in any case. Since then, I've made happy gestures. Sent cat photos and kisses. But she rewinds the tape and presses play again. The dark music starts playing in my head. Shall we dance.
After a while, she begins. I haven't spoken much, so it's making things worse. Although we are both typing different things. She can't get a handle on me if I don't speak, so she's irritated at that. I know I'm just buying time. After 17 minutes the video goes off. Bad connection.
[5-7-2014 17:22:47] *** Call to A, duration 17:45. ***
When I say 'deal with you', I guess that implies you are a problem. In some ways you are a problem to me, when I feel you are trying to abuse me, to slyly argue me round to some destructive end, some checkmate, some submission hold. But more properly, the problems have you. It is my job to free you. It doesn't always work. Today was one of those days.
*
Beautiful sunny morning. Music playing, I was dancing in my room. Skype call.
We were talking. I don't remember really, because I was happy.
It all started today with the comments about Anne. You were jealous that I'd posted a thank you image on facebook. And I'd shared a Nietzsche quote which was appropriate. I'd also shared it with you once. You were sorry for being jealous and unreasonable. I said of course it didn't matter to me, and you smiled. I love your smile. I smiled back. You knew it was a silly thing, you said.
So I laughed. And the laughing wasn't acceptable.
I was dead in the water.
Suddenly the mood changed and it was like I had a knife against my throat. Or in my throat. I couldn't tell.
I keep smiling. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong.
Was it fair to laugh at you and your problems like that. To make you feel so terrible. You already felt terrible, you informed me. I knew this. You already have so much bad things going on, and I knew that. Why couldn't I have been sensitive, like you had been, when I was weak and needed your help. Remember that? See how unfair that makes this, now? Why should you have to do that, when you are the one with the problems? Isn't that selfish of me? But of course it's OK. It's always - OK.
The knife named guilt slid into me. Yes, I know. Just like your family likes it. A long blade, polished with care. Years of slow caresses. Razor sharp, so you don't even feel your skin break.
The best thing to do, I told myself, is not to react. Don't get angry. That's just what she wants. It's the only reaction that's rational, and she knows it. She's not her any more. She's her father. Her rapist. Her abusers. The real girl doesn't even know she has a knife.
I don't want this. My self pleaded with me. I was about to go running, in the sun, by the river. I was going to read my book, enjoy my day off, continue building and making my place comfortable. Tie up loose ends. I was happy.
No. That's not going to happen now. Cue clouds.
She can sense my discomfort. She feeds from it. I turn my sunny music off on her request. Now it will begin.
'I've annoyed you, haven't I.'
She has me. I feel like I've done something wrong. The submission choke presses. She knows that if I say yes, then I am the one to abuse her. I confirm all her fears and self-hate. I confirm her worst suspicions that it's all her fault. It isn't, of course. But I can't put up a reasonable defence. I can't pretend 'no'. The attack was too sudden, too unexpected. I didn't want to be doing this. I feign nonchalance. I distract myself.
It's later.
I turned off Skype and sat in my room with my own thoughts. I need to go running. That was my get out clause. I stare at the floor. I don't go running.
The conversation has poisoned me in some inexplicable way. Just as some days she can fill me with love, energy and power, today I feel drained.
I waste some time on facebook but there's a cloud over me. I care about her, and she feels bad. I can't stop it. I don't feel strong enough. I failed.
I wander aimlessly in the flat. What are the implications of this long term.
No, don't think about it. You know this happens regularly. Maybe it gets easier.
You know it doesn't though. It gets worse. She gets to know you more, and know your weaknesses. She gets in your head and hurts you worse.
No fuck this.
I look in the mirror. I get angry. Why have I given away so much of myself.
She doesn't even care about my hair. It's another aspect of control. What she likes. A public display of her humiliation of me.
I get angry and want to punch something. What happened to anger management. What happened to being a better person. What happened to radiating calmness and being in touch with the universe, gratitude, kindness. The voice speaking these words becomes tinny and trails off.
Reality turns black and dives.
I'll tell you what happens to anger management. You allow people in, and they pull your hair. They knife your throat.
The knife in my throat has become a physical pain.
I began to walk round the flat like a caged animal. My head is a mess. Everything's a mess. At times like this I really need...
She's not available.
*
I turn off my brain and spend some time up and down the stairs. Cleaning, moving boxes out, carrying boxes in. I empty my van of tools. Just for something to do really.
It keeps the darkness at bay.
Now all of my tools are in my room. I can't think of a next step. They will go back down tomorrow.
*
I go to the tip, to the cats. I even clean the house there a bit. Anything to avoid being home and having to deal with her.
She messages me. She is under attack from her family. Her sister called her greedy, or something. This is added to the mess. I can't stop it.
I go home and message her. I'll be home soon. Online she isn't there. Something else is sitting in her place. It unnerves me. I haven't eaten all day, I realise. I can't deal with this.
She waits in silence. This isn't good. If I don't say the right thing I'll be accused of being annoyed at her. Over the Anne thing. But we both know that's just today's tool. It was hours ago in any case. Since then, I've made happy gestures. Sent cat photos and kisses. But she rewinds the tape and presses play again. The dark music starts playing in my head. Shall we dance.
After a while, she begins. I haven't spoken much, so it's making things worse. Although we are both typing different things. She can't get a handle on me if I don't speak, so she's irritated at that. I know I'm just buying time. After 17 minutes the video goes off. Bad connection.
[5-7-2014 17:22:47] *** Call to A, duration 17:45. ***
[5-7-2014 17:41:50] A:
video call is no good
[5-7-2014 17:42:01] N:
oh
[5-7-2014 17:42:05] N:
:(
[5-7-2014 17:42:12] A:
what? why?
[5-7-2014 17:42:28] A:
i meant, video call isn't good because we are not talking anyway
[5-7-2014 17:42:31] A:
:D
[5-7-2014 17:42:46] A:
what's the point of a video call
[5-7-2014 17:43:16] A:
anyways, i'm just gonna work until 11 and then i'll stop working and
go to bed
[5-7-2014 17:43:28] N:
OK cool
[5-7-2014 17:43:35] N:
sleep well (kiss)
[5-7-2014 17:43:40] N:
(heart)
[5-7-2014 17:43:50] A:
did you read my message?
[5-7-2014 17:43:59] N:
which
[5-7-2014 17:44:04] A:
everything
[5-7-2014 17:44:05] N:
about your sister
[5-7-2014 17:44:06] N:
yes
[5-7-2014 17:44:08] A:
no
[5-7-2014 17:44:09] A:
FB
[5-7-2014 17:45:09] A:
em...are you still not interested in talking to me because you are
still annoyed?
[5-7-2014 17:45:33] A:
no nick i don't want to do video chat
[5-7-2014 17:45:35] ***
Call to A, busy. ***
[5-7-2014 17:45:57] N:
OK
[5-7-2014 17:46:07] N:
Well no I'm not annoyed
[5-7-2014 17:46:25] N:
and I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but it doesn't bother me
[5-7-2014 17:46:55] A:
which feeling?
[5-7-2014 17:47:16] A:
i don't feel anything now other than thinking that you are interested
in talking to me
[5-7-2014 17:47:26] A:
*are not interested
[5-7-2014 17:47:32] N:
I just tried to call and you hung up
[5-7-2014 17:47:54] A:
i told you i don't want to do a video chat. i don't feel i can speak
well
[5-7-2014 17:48:03] A:
writing is better
At this point I realise everything today is about guilt, manipulation, control. I can't win. It will be drawn out and painful.
At this point I realise everything today is about guilt, manipulation, control. I can't win. It will be drawn out and painful.
[5-7-2014 17:48:14] N:
OK, I just don't really feel like writing any more because the aim is
to grind me down and to be honest, I would rather not spend my time
feeling like this.
OK? I'm out now.
[5-7-2014 17:48:25] A:
huh?
[5-7-2014 17:48:25] N:
I love you but perhaps better to speak in a couple of days.
[5-7-2014 17:48:27] A:
okay
[5-7-2014 17:48:33] A:
whatever suits you
[5-7-2014 17:48:38] N:
thanks.
I close the computer. I go for food, cook, clean up. I feel relieved, but also realise that another piece of love has been chipped away. Probably she feels the same. But right now. I don't really care.
I'm looking through papers and by accident, find the first writing she sent. I realise how far things have changed. Nothing is particularly mysterious any more. I wonder how we might end up after many years together, devoid of joy.
I sit in a sullen mood for some hours. I chat with randoms on fb. I don't read my book. I don't want to do anything. The sun goes down. I've done nothing today.
I try to write a message before I go to bed. She has deleted her facebook. Perhaps I am supposed to feel guilt over that. I'm not sure on this one.
I write, and can't get a handle on how I'm feeling. I delete and retry. It comes out bitter and angry. And some time later, it clicks into gear. I remember that ultimately, I'm here to care for her. She comes with problems. Don't feel guilty if you can't. Just do your best. Nothing lasts forever. I should try to do better. Maybe it doesn't get worse. Maybe I get stronger. As I write, I begin to see the patterns.
I don't feel the knife any more.
I don't feel guilt.
But earlier, I couldn't be here.
*
I make up the bed in the other room. It feels weird. The bed on the floor is our bed, at least in my mind. I need to make changes though. Today can't be allowed to happen again. Not too often.
I hope that she isn't suffering. I love her. I am still learning how to love her properly. Sometimes, like yesterday I can stand in the storm. But not always.
Today was not a good day. But better days will come, if we allow it.
I close the computer. I go for food, cook, clean up. I feel relieved, but also realise that another piece of love has been chipped away. Probably she feels the same. But right now. I don't really care.
I'm looking through papers and by accident, find the first writing she sent. I realise how far things have changed. Nothing is particularly mysterious any more. I wonder how we might end up after many years together, devoid of joy.
I sit in a sullen mood for some hours. I chat with randoms on fb. I don't read my book. I don't want to do anything. The sun goes down. I've done nothing today.
I try to write a message before I go to bed. She has deleted her facebook. Perhaps I am supposed to feel guilt over that. I'm not sure on this one.
I write, and can't get a handle on how I'm feeling. I delete and retry. It comes out bitter and angry. And some time later, it clicks into gear. I remember that ultimately, I'm here to care for her. She comes with problems. Don't feel guilty if you can't. Just do your best. Nothing lasts forever. I should try to do better. Maybe it doesn't get worse. Maybe I get stronger. As I write, I begin to see the patterns.
I don't feel the knife any more.
I don't feel guilt.
But earlier, I couldn't be here.
*
I make up the bed in the other room. It feels weird. The bed on the floor is our bed, at least in my mind. I need to make changes though. Today can't be allowed to happen again. Not too often.
I hope that she isn't suffering. I love her. I am still learning how to love her properly. Sometimes, like yesterday I can stand in the storm. But not always.
Today was not a good day. But better days will come, if we allow it.
